Nothing, Something ,and I'm Fine

You know those days that just seem to take forever? But its one of those days that you want to end now? Yes well that was and continues to be my Thursday.

*sigh*

Or those moments when you say "Oh nothing" but clearly its something and EVERYONE can tell that there is SOMETHING absolutely and undoubtedly WRONG...

Cause nothing is something. No matter how you refer to or how it is placed in context. nothing is always going to be a something.

And therefore when someone says oh nothing...automatically you're like a crap what's wrong...and then there's no hiding from those prying eyes or those sympathetic hugs. And then as much as you want to say oh wow that hug REALLY helped . YOU CAN'T. Cause unfortunately. Physically displays of sympathy do absolutely nothing for your emotional well being. No matter how much you want to believe they do. Then again nothing is something isn't it? Then you can also assume that that hug may anger someone who doesn't want that display of affection. Maybe it only pushes those overwhelming nasty feelings only deeper?

In the same sense "I'm Fine" is clearly an attempt to assure ones self that they are fine when the total honest truth is that they are totally and completely not?

Stupid. Doltish. Half-witted. Ludicrous. Moronic. Obtuse. Pointless. Simple minded idiotic response to any question really. Yet, It's one of my trademarks I suppose. I say it all the time. Why?

Cause I am trying so frantically to convince myself that in my current mentality that I am in fact fine, when the truth is that of the total opposite?

I'm so empty.

My eyes have no depth to them. At least they lack any remote sign of life in them. They look at if my very soul has abandoned me and left me void of anything.

And perhaps that's how I feel. I've lost everything. Family, motivation, passion and the ability to show any kind of attachement to anyone or anything. I honestly just don't care.

And I find that SAD and PATHETIC.

I mean seriously? How could I have given in to that sadness? How could I have given into that worthlessness...I thought I escaped that. How is it I felt more secure with myself when I had to fight to protect myself? Why is it that now that I am in a safe and happy place...I feel the most sad? That I feel that so unsafe? My life isn't threatened. I'm not being bullied. Yet, I'm the most vulnerable I have ever been in my Godforsaken life?

I mean sure. My "parents" are not my "parental unite" anymore. And my Nana isn't doing so okay. Sure I make my Meemo feel better even though her sobbing face breaks my walls away.

...I am dead inside.

Why do I feel like I have to take all of these heaven burdens on my shoulders?

Why do I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong?

I just...that woman. His woman did this all...she was f**king him all along...She f**ked this family over and continues to f**k over my mom. This whole situation is BULLSH*T. I can't believe that it's something I have to go through....the sad thing through all of this crazy f**king mess...He is still with her and with her kids. He's letting go of the woman he's been with for 21 years and leaving his two kids..

That woman's a home-wrecker..and an ugly one too. She started crap with my family...she broke it up too...

Well that bitch can have him...I don't want here now. Sure he's my dad...but he's got a new family now...

In solitary impassiveness,
SimpleShadow
.xoxo