But I do not have these answers and apparently my doctor does not either....lovely...anyways
After wasting my day hopefully getting to school but for some reason my body decided to pass out in the shower..then on my bed...then near the wall and well my body doesn't seem to energetic today. In fact I feel dead. Like I weight 415647561936 gazillion lbs.. and I'm really hot, and I'm breaking out in a sweat. Not feeling the greatest but I just had to talk about something....
About ten minutes ago I finished watching Where The Wild Things Are and I cried. Have you ever had a moment where your whole life makes horrible sense and it's not something you want to know? Yeah, well this Child's movie caused this epiphany.
Now before I go into the grand scheme of things I suppose you deserve somewhat of a back story in to the grand construction of the demolition of me...
It all began well...in all honesty there isn't a time of my school career that I haven't been targeted. Bullying. I hate bullying. Why? Because I was brutally bullied for my entire life. Be it due to my hair, my clothes, my brain, my marks, my voice...my sexuality. I've lived my life in constant fear , even now that the bullying is gone...it's still there. I've gone to counseling...and i have a social worker...and yes well ....I'm a screw up.
At least that's what has been drilled into my brain for the last 13 years of my life?
Anyways...this drill has caused some serious damage to my soul and basic functioning.
Which is why I'm so...messed up?
Alright *deep breath* What internal battle's do I fight everyday of my life..
Being Alone....and Not trusting people
Afraid of People....Being surrounded by them
Letting People in....Shutting People Out
Faking a Smile...Showing the truth
see...messed up.
Now I have underlined issues with many people...mostly my intermediate family.
Now I'm sure you're wondering exactly how this has anything to do with Where The Wild Things Are..here it is.
Fear. Invisibility. Control.
I'm not an out of control teen or a problem Child. I just...feel I'm losing grip on my family. So by acting out I hope to pull them back too me. By attracting negative attention to myself I break their war apart so that they focus on me. Not for the *look at me . look at me* factor but for the simple reason...I don't want anymore fighting. I want a family but I don't know what that is anymore.
I feel invisible to them so I'll do anything really to get them to see me. It's like I've been thrown to the lions but...no ones there to watch. Or that I'm on a stage ready to perform but no showed up.
I feel like everything is spiraling out of control and my King is cornered on a chess board. It's no checkmate but I'm in definite check.
..In the movie Max feels like he is not being acknowledge so he acts out violently hoping that someone will notice he's lonely. Lonely. I'm horribly lonely...and it scares me. During one of his episodes his Mother tries to gain control by yelling at him..He then runs away. He runs to a boat that takes him to this island with monsters on it. He tells them he is king. Gaining control something he feels he has lost. I often jump into my own world because I know I'm the only one who can get there...the only one who controls it. The monsters look to him to take away their sadness and loneliness....something he has wanted to do for himself. So he shows them these outrageous and dangerous games to take their minds of their pain. Just as he did in his world. But when everything goes wrong he finds recognition in the monsters. One expresses his mother, his fear, his invisibility, his want to be good, his negativity, his way out and his sense. In the end he realizes...he was just acting out cause he felt alone and was terrified of it. He felt he lost all that mattered to him. He knew he had to fix things, not only with the monster but his Mother.
"There's one in all of us"
"Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing."
"Happiness isn't always the best way to be happy."
Some of my favorite quotes from the Movie
Sincere and Confused,
SimpleShadow
.xoxo
2 comments:
Oh, Ashley. Movies were they're so real that you insantly connect with them are amazing... Mostly. I still haven't seen this movie but I really want to.
*hugs* We missed you today... Hope you're feeling well enough to come to school tomorrow. :3 ♥
xx
awhh Ashley, hope you're feeling better.
I haven't seen the movie, but I know those feelings.
Just know that, sometimes it's worth it to let people see who you are. Sometimes. Sometimes it'll bite you in the ass, but it can also be worth it. Take a chance, never know what might happen :)
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